So, I’m sitting at my kitchen table with a million thoughts running through my head. It’s difficult choosing one single thing to focus on. Just where do I start? I really don’t know. Ok, let’s start with this: I am bipolar with a mix of depression. That has a lot to do with most of my issues in life. I can’t always see things so clearly. How I view things and feel things are out of this world. Every one of my emotions run on high. When I’m happy, I’m on top of the world and that doesn’t last long. I’m go into chill mode then I fall into a rut then finally depression sets in. When I’m depressed, boy, I’m depressed. I sleep more and care less. I’ll try to put on a tough face when all I want to do is cry. That’s what happened this time. Slowly, I’m seeing my pattern. I really want to stop this cycle that I’m on. This time I’m trying to learn my triggers. What triggers the highs and the lows? Well this time I think I know.
Alright, let’s get this out in the open: I sometimes really don’t like myself. Why? Because I see traits in other people that I want. Naturally, I am very shy, but I act like I’m not. I’m a loner. That girl at the bar watching other people have fun. Sometimes that is me. There are other times, normally either when I’m drunk or high, when my extroverted self comes out. I’m on top of the world, but for the most part I am a loner. I have friends, not many, but enough. I like to hang out, but there are times when I really like to be alone. Now, I have a soft heart. That comes from my dad. I’m also sweet natured very much so that I have a very hard time saying no. That has caused a lot of heartache on my end. My biggest problem is that I’m searching for love. Love from a man. Yes, I have daddy issues. I see that now. I’m being honest with myself. The love I’m searching for is that of a strong man, that will treat me a princess, shield me from the hurt of the world, and love me unconditionally. What I really need to do is treat myself like that. That way I can find that. There are many days that I wish that I was stronger or had that badass bitch type of personality. I want to be take charge of my life. I often feel like there are so many hands in my pot that I don’t know what I’m even cooking anymore. I just want people to step back and just let me live. Yes, even at the age of 30, I feel like I have no say so over my life. I see so many strong beautiful black women, that I wonder if I measure up. I was told there is no room in this world for people like me. I have to be a bitch or be cold. That’s not me, at all. Me, I’m sweetheart that will do for anyone of my friends or family. I will give my last. I donate blood, because I’m saving a life. I know there is someone out there in need of my B- blood type. I believe that I’m opened minded. I believe in love. I think it’s the most wonderful thing in the world. I wish that people would fight less and love more. I believe that tomorrow is going to be better or could be better by what is done today. I believe in paying it forward. I believe in kind worlds. That’s who I am. I have a child like innocents sometimes. I trust so easily only to be let down. That’s where my anger sets in. I have a list of people that are on my “shit list”. If they were on fire I wouldn’t piss on them and if I was dying I wouldn’t want their help. I need to work on that, but it’s hard. That’s the other thing that I lack: I don’t tell when people make me angry. Well, that’s not all true. I’ve tried in the past to do that and it didn’t go like I hoped. Some part of me wishes that I would have smashed them in a face with a pillow case full of rocks and broken glass. I see how people let things go so easily but it’s so hard for me. I guess my core root issue it that I’m actually jealous then it turns into depression. I believe it’s my depression that talks to me most of the time.
My depression will start off with me in a rut then going into full blown depression. I’ll be sad, but still happy enough to join in with people. After that, I fall into a rut. A lot of things that I like to do, I will stop. I will find myself just lying in bed. Now, I will go out into the world with my best face on, but I will be dying on the inside. Soon after that, I will find myself crying over all the things I don’t have. I feel like a huge disappointment, a letdown. Most days, I won’t do any work at work. I’ll spend less time with the girls. Oh yes, I’m raising children. I just won’t do anything. When I’m like this, I will feel so bad for having this illness and I’m letting my girls down. The one thing that will cheer me up when they tell me they love me and give me a big hug. I love it when they sit next to me and put their head on my lap. Moments like these, I keep in a special place in my heart. For my girls, I try to pull myself out the depression. My friends want to me to open up, but I feel like they will not understand what I’m feeling. I have the heart from the past weighing on me and the pains of the present on me. It will feel like I’m drowning in a sea of emotions. I have one person that knows all of my thoughts, hopes, fears, wants and needs. Once, talking to my normal circle of friends doesn’t work, I go to this one person: my best friend. For whatever reason, I feel so safe talking to them. They understand how I feel and will remind me that it isn’t all bad. It’s something that one else in this world will understand. They have kept me from completely going off the deep end no matter how close I get.
As for getting help, well, it is a little hard to come by. I’m actively searching for a psychiatrist. A few times I have quit because all the doors I’ve knocked on have lead me to a dead end. This is a new day and I have faith that I will find one and get the help that I need. I want to be better that I have been doing. On some level I feel like my illness is hindering me from reaching my dreams in life. With the right help I know that I will be that great writer. Yup, that’s my dream. I’m on medication and most of the time I would say 70/30 I am just fine. I have very bad flare ups and I don’t know how to handle them. My next mission is to handle my flare ups because they get in the way of life too much. I no longer what to be chained to all my negative emotions, I want to be free. I’m down for whatever it takes. I will not let my life be ruled my depression.
Maybe, my story will help someone that is going through the same thing I’m going through. If you think that you’re suffering from any form of mood disorders, please don’t wait for years like I to seek help. Seek help now! Don’t sit there and let you’re emotions get the best of you or stop you from living a full life. Below I will leave a link showing you the signs of bipolar depression.
http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=education_signs_symptoms
My messy Lyfe 