Up again

Up again

Well I’m up again at least iit’s night four in the morning, right. As I sitting getting things together for this blog, I being to doubt myself. I have this nagging voice in the back of my head telling me:

  • Who do you think you are? You think people are going to read you blogs? You suck as a writer.
  • No one is going to want to read your books.
  • You will never maker your family proud of you. You are the black sheep. You are problem child.
  • Just delete this site. You are a fake. Everyone can tell you’re a fake.
  • You are nothing.

Yes this is what I’m hearing right now as I type. I’m always hearing negative thoughts in the bad of my mind. That’s when I bust my ass to prove the voices wrong then they settle down. In my head it sounded a lot saner. Tomorrow I will start looking for ways to combat this distorted thinking. I’m still looking for a psychiatrist.

Advertisements
Happiness is a Wuzzle

Happiness is a Wuzzle

 

The_Wuzzles

This is a happier part of my childhood. Life wasn’t all bad. I remember when I 3 years old my mother got me a Wuzzles cake for my birthday. I love my mom. She is the best. As you can see I’m an 80s baby. What was your favorite cartoon from you’re childhood? Here are a few more:

250px-Fox_PeterPanPirates-01

Jem_logo

podw

Blues Kid

Blues Kid

When I was just a little girl, I would say around 9 or 10, I was depressed. Really depressed. I hated life. I hated going to school. The reason why I hated school: the teasing. Most of my childhood, I was bullied at school, from the time I was in 2nd grade until I left the Baltimore City Public school system. The bully was really bad when I was in the 5th grade. I was made fun of because of my glasses, how big my nose and lips where. They told me I was ugly and that no one wanted to hang around a girl like me. I was told that I was dumb. When I told my grandmother that I was being bullied at school, she told me to stand up to them fight back. I tried that method, but it didn’t work. The teasing only got worse and worse.

My other reason for being depressed was I didn’t want to stay with my grandmother. I only stayed with her on Monday’s because my ex step father work schedule. He would normally take me to school in the mornings. My mother went to work around 6 every day and was taking my baby sister to day care so she couldn’t take me either. On Monday’s I stayed at my grandmother’s. My grandmother never understood me (still doesn’t). She would tell me that kids are cruel and it was part of life. Also, don’t let what they say get to me, but how was I suppose to do that when day after day I was teased? No one in my family knew that most nights I use to stay up to cry.

One day, I had a very bad at school. I wasn’t doing too well in school and I was being picked on relentlessly. That night at my grandmother’s house, I snuck into the kitchen to take a small knife. Once my grandmother was in her room chatting away the phone, I pulled out the knife and pointed it at my chest. Part of me was screaming “No! Don’t do iit”. The other part of me told me “I was better off dead. My mother only wanted my sister and I was burden on my family. I will never have any friends. I am worthless. I’m ugly and no one wants an ugly girl around. No one loves me.” For 10 minutes I stood there with a knife pointed dead center at my chest, arguing with myself. The tears were pouring down my face. Finally, I dropped the knife. I told myself that I was failure at even trying to kill myself.

No one in my family knows this story. I was in the 5th grade trying to commit suicide.  I can’t bring myself to tell my mom, of all people that I’ve tried to kill myself at such a young age. I don’t want her to think it’s her fault. The average person would have told me that I’m child and I have nothing to be depressed about. What the average person doesn’t know is that depression can strike at any age, no matter the gender.

How does a parent tell if a child is depressed? Well, I went on WebMD to get a list of symptoms.

Signs and symptoms of depression in children include:

  • Irritability or anger
  • Continuous feelings of sadness and hopelessness
  • Social withdrawal
  • Increased sensitivity to rejection
  • Changes in appetite — either increased or decreased
  • Changes in sleep— sleeplessness or excessive sleep
  • Vocal outbursts or crying
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Fatigueand low energy
  • Physical complaints (such as stomachaches, headaches) that don’t respond to treatment
  • Reduced ability to function during events and activities at home or with friends, in school, extracurricular activities, and in other hobbies or interests
  • Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
  • Impaired thinking or concentration
  • Thoughts of death or suicide

 

I am going to leave the link for you so you all can read what to look out for in childhood depression. Please parents be more aware.

http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-children
 

15 Common Cognitive Distortions….do have any of these thoughts….

15 Common Cognitive Distortions….do have any of these thoughts….

I was chitchatting with my one of my friends and I told her that most days I feel like “ain’t shit” type of chick. Most days, I feel like the worst mother of all time. Therefore, to me that means I really ain’t shit and that I am the worst mother in the world. This is a form of distorted thinking.
What is distorted think you ask? Well according to John M Grohol Psy D, “Cognitive distortions are simply ways that our mind convinces us of something that isn’t really true. These inaccurate thoughts are usually used to reinforce negative thinking or emotions — telling ourselves things that sound rational and accurate, but really only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves.” I’ll give you an example of this type of thinking. I can’t get my daughter’s everything they want so therefore I am bad mother. I’m a bad mother because I can’t get my daughter’s everything in brand names. Everybody is smarter than me. All those examples are a form of distorted thinking.

Who came up with cognitive thinking? John M Grohol writes: “Aaron Beck first proposed the theory behind cognitive distortions and David Burns was responsible for popularizing it with common names and examples for the distortions.”

John M Grohol explains and gives examples of cognitive think:

1. Filtering.

We take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. For instance, a person may pick out a single, unpleasant detail and dwell on it exclusively so that their vision of reality becomes darkened or distorted.

2. Polarized Thinking (or “Black and White” Thinking).

In polarized thinking, things are either “black-or-white.” We have to be perfect or we’re a failure — there is no middle ground. You place people or situations in “either/or” categories, with no shades of gray or allowing for the complexity of most people and situations. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

3. Overgeneralization.

In this cognitive distortion, we come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or a single piece of evidence. If something bad happens only once, we expect it to happen over and over again. A person may see a single, unpleasant event as part of a never-ending pattern of defeat.

4. Jumping to Conclusions.

Without individuals saying so, we know what they are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, we are able to determine how people are feeling toward us.

For example, a person may conclude that someone is reacting negatively toward them but doesn’t actually bother to find out if they are correct. Another example is a person may anticipate that things will turn out badly, and will feel convinced that their prediction is already an established fact.

5. Catastrophizing.

We expect disaster to strike, no matter what. This is also referred to as “magnifying or minimizing.” We hear about a problem and use what if questions (e.g., “What if tragedy strikes?” “What if it happens to me?”).

For example, a person might exaggerate the importance of insignificant events (such as their mistake, or someone else’s achievement). Or they may inappropriately shrink the magnitude of significant events until they appear tiny (for example, a person’s own desirable qualities or someone else’s imperfections).

With practice, you can learn to answer each of these cognitive distortions.

6. Personalization.

Personalization is a distortion where a person believes that everything others do or say is some kind of direct, personal reaction to the person. We also compare ourselves to others trying to determine who is smarter, better looking, etc.

A person engaging in personalization may also see themselves as the cause of some unhealthy external event that they were not responsible for. For example, “We were late to the dinner party and caused the hostess to overcook the meal. If I had only pushed my husband to leave on time, this wouldn’t have happened.”

7. Control Fallacies.

If we feel externally controlled, we see ourselves as helpless a victim of fate. For example, “I can’t help it if the quality of the work is poor, my boss demanded I work overtime on it.” The fallacy of internal control has us assuming responsibility for the pain and happiness of everyone around us. For example, “Why aren’t you happy? Is it because of something I did?”

8. Fallacy of Fairness.

We feel resentful because we think we know what is fair, but other people won’t agree with us. As our parents tell us when we’re growing up and something doesn’t go our way, “Life isn’t always fair.” People who go through life applying a measuring ruler against every situation judging its “fairness” will often feel badly and negative because of it. Because life isn’t “fair” — things will not always work out in your favor, even when you think they should.

9. Blaming.

We hold other people responsible for our pain, or take the other track and blame ourselves for every problem. For example, “Stop making me feel bad about myself!” Nobody can “make” us feel any particular way — only we have control over our own emotions and emotional reactions.

10. Shoulds.

We have a list of ironclad rules about how others and we should behave. People who break the rules make us angry, and we feel guilty when we violate these rules. A person may often believe they are trying to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if they have to be punished before they can do anything.

For example, “I really should exercise. I shouldn’t be so lazy.” Musts and oughts are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When a person directs should statements toward others, they often feel anger, frustration and resentment.

11. Emotional Reasoning.

We believe that what we feel must be true automatically. If we feel stupid and boring, then we must be stupid and boring. You assume that your unhealthy emotions reflect the way things really are — “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”

12. Fallacy of Change.

We expect that other people will change to suit us if we just pressure or cajole them enough. We need to change people because our hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them.

13. Global Labeling.

We generalize one or two qualities into a negative global judgment. These are extreme forms of generalizing, and are also referred to as “labeling” and “mislabeling.” Instead of describing an error in context of a specific situation, a person will attach an unhealthy label to themselves.

For example, they may say, “I’m a loser” in a situation where they failed at a specific task. When someone else’s behavior rubs a person the wrong way, they may attach an unhealthy label to him, such as “He’s a real jerk.” Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded. For example, instead of saying someone drops her children off at daycare every day, a person who is mislabeling might say that “she abandons her children to strangers.”

14. Always Being Right.

We are continually on trial to prove that our opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and we will go to any length to demonstrate our rightness. For example, “I don’t care how badly arguing with me makes you feel, I’m going to win this argument no matter what because I’m right.” Being right often is more important than the feelings of others around a person who engages in this cognitive distortion, even loved ones.

15. Heaven’s Reward Fallacy.

We expect our sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if someone is keeping score. We feel bitter when the reward doesn’t come.

If you ever thought like this, you’re not alone. I am very guilty of thinking like this. Every day I’m thinking of ways to improve my thinking because I am stronger than my negative thoughts. We all are stronger than the negativity.
References: 15 Common Cognitive Distortions | Psych Central.

Up again

Up again

Well I’m up again at least iit’s night four in the morning, right. As I sitting getting things together for this blog, I being to doubt myself. I have this nagging voice in the back of my head telling me:

  • Who do you think you are? You think people are going to read you blogs? You suck as a writer.
  • No one is going to want to read your books.
  • You will never maker your family proud of you. You are the black sheep. You are problem child.
  • Just delete this site. You are a fake. Everyone can tell you’re a fake.
  • You are nothing.

Yes this is what I’m hearing right now as I type. I’m always hearing negative thoughts in the bad of my mind. That’s when I bust my ass to prove the voices wrong then they settle down. In my head it sounded a lot saner. Tomorrow I will start looking for ways to combat this distorted thinking. I’m still looking for a psychiatrist.