Tag: blog
Remember….
Blues Kid
When I was just a little girl, I would say around 9 or 10, I was depressed. Really depressed. I hated life. I hated going to school. The reason why I hated school: the teasing. Most of my childhood, I was bullied at school, from the time I was in 2nd grade until I left the Baltimore City Public school system. The bully was really bad when I was in the 5th grade. I was made fun of because of my glasses, how big my nose and lips where. They told me I was ugly and that no one wanted to hang around a girl like me. I was told that I was dumb. When I told my grandmother that I was being bullied at school, she told me to stand up to them fight back. I tried that method, but it didn’t work. The teasing only got worse and worse.
My other reason for being depressed was I didn’t want to stay with my grandmother. I only stayed with her on Monday’s because my ex step father work schedule. He would normally take me to school in the mornings. My mother went to work around 6 every day and was taking my baby sister to day care so she couldn’t take me either. On Monday’s I stayed at my grandmother’s. My grandmother never understood me (still doesn’t). She would tell me that kids are cruel and it was part of life. Also, don’t let what they say get to me, but how was I suppose to do that when day after day I was teased? No one in my family knew that most nights I use to stay up to cry.
One day, I had a very bad at school. I wasn’t doing too well in school and I was being picked on relentlessly. That night at my grandmother’s house, I snuck into the kitchen to take a small knife. Once my grandmother was in her room chatting away the phone, I pulled out the knife and pointed it at my chest. Part of me was screaming “No! Don’t do iit”. The other part of me told me “I was better off dead. My mother only wanted my sister and I was burden on my family. I will never have any friends. I am worthless. I’m ugly and no one wants an ugly girl around. No one loves me.” For 10 minutes I stood there with a knife pointed dead center at my chest, arguing with myself. The tears were pouring down my face. Finally, I dropped the knife. I told myself that I was failure at even trying to kill myself.
No one in my family knows this story. I was in the 5th grade trying to commit suicide. I can’t bring myself to tell my mom, of all people that I’ve tried to kill myself at such a young age. I don’t want her to think it’s her fault. The average person would have told me that I’m child and I have nothing to be depressed about. What the average person doesn’t know is that depression can strike at any age, no matter the gender.
How does a parent tell if a child is depressed? Well, I went on WebMD to get a list of symptoms.
Signs and symptoms of depression in children include:
- Irritability or anger
- Continuous feelings of sadness and hopelessness
- Social withdrawal
- Increased sensitivity to rejection
- Changes in appetite — either increased or decreased
- Changes in sleep— sleeplessness or excessive sleep
- Vocal outbursts or crying
- Difficulty concentrating
- Fatigueand low energy
- Physical complaints (such as stomachaches, headaches) that don’t respond to treatment
- Reduced ability to function during events and activities at home or with friends, in school, extracurricular activities, and in other hobbies or interests
- Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
- Impaired thinking or concentration
- Thoughts of death or suicide
I am going to leave the link for you so you all can read what to look out for in childhood depression. Please parents be more aware.
15 Common Cognitive Distortions….do have any of these thoughts….
I was chitchatting with my one of my friends and I told her that most days I feel like “ain’t shit” type of chick. Most days, I feel like the worst mother of all time. Therefore, to me that means I really ain’t shit and that I am the worst mother in the world. This is a form of distorted thinking.
What is distorted think you ask? Well according to John M Grohol Psy D, “Cognitive distortions are simply ways that our mind convinces us of something that isn’t really true. These inaccurate thoughts are usually used to reinforce negative thinking or emotions — telling ourselves things that sound rational and accurate, but really only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves.” I’ll give you an example of this type of thinking. I can’t get my daughter’s everything they want so therefore I am bad mother. I’m a bad mother because I can’t get my daughter’s everything in brand names. Everybody is smarter than me. All those examples are a form of distorted thinking.
Who came up with cognitive thinking? John M Grohol writes: “Aaron Beck first proposed the theory behind cognitive distortions and David Burns was responsible for popularizing it with common names and examples for the distortions.”
John M Grohol explains and gives examples of cognitive think:
1. Filtering.
We take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. For instance, a person may pick out a single, unpleasant detail and dwell on it exclusively so that their vision of reality becomes darkened or distorted.
2. Polarized Thinking (or “Black and White” Thinking).
In polarized thinking, things are either “black-or-white.” We have to be perfect or we’re a failure — there is no middle ground. You place people or situations in “either/or” categories, with no shades of gray or allowing for the complexity of most people and situations. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.
3. Overgeneralization.
In this cognitive distortion, we come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or a single piece of evidence. If something bad happens only once, we expect it to happen over and over again. A person may see a single, unpleasant event as part of a never-ending pattern of defeat.
4. Jumping to Conclusions.
Without individuals saying so, we know what they are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, we are able to determine how people are feeling toward us.
For example, a person may conclude that someone is reacting negatively toward them but doesn’t actually bother to find out if they are correct. Another example is a person may anticipate that things will turn out badly, and will feel convinced that their prediction is already an established fact.
5. Catastrophizing.
We expect disaster to strike, no matter what. This is also referred to as “magnifying or minimizing.” We hear about a problem and use what if questions (e.g., “What if tragedy strikes?” “What if it happens to me?”).
For example, a person might exaggerate the importance of insignificant events (such as their mistake, or someone else’s achievement). Or they may inappropriately shrink the magnitude of significant events until they appear tiny (for example, a person’s own desirable qualities or someone else’s imperfections).
With practice, you can learn to answer each of these cognitive distortions.
6. Personalization.
Personalization is a distortion where a person believes that everything others do or say is some kind of direct, personal reaction to the person. We also compare ourselves to others trying to determine who is smarter, better looking, etc.
A person engaging in personalization may also see themselves as the cause of some unhealthy external event that they were not responsible for. For example, “We were late to the dinner party and caused the hostess to overcook the meal. If I had only pushed my husband to leave on time, this wouldn’t have happened.”
7. Control Fallacies.
If we feel externally controlled, we see ourselves as helpless a victim of fate. For example, “I can’t help it if the quality of the work is poor, my boss demanded I work overtime on it.” The fallacy of internal control has us assuming responsibility for the pain and happiness of everyone around us. For example, “Why aren’t you happy? Is it because of something I did?”
8. Fallacy of Fairness.
We feel resentful because we think we know what is fair, but other people won’t agree with us. As our parents tell us when we’re growing up and something doesn’t go our way, “Life isn’t always fair.” People who go through life applying a measuring ruler against every situation judging its “fairness” will often feel badly and negative because of it. Because life isn’t “fair” — things will not always work out in your favor, even when you think they should.
9. Blaming.
We hold other people responsible for our pain, or take the other track and blame ourselves for every problem. For example, “Stop making me feel bad about myself!” Nobody can “make” us feel any particular way — only we have control over our own emotions and emotional reactions.
10. Shoulds.
We have a list of ironclad rules about how others and we should behave. People who break the rules make us angry, and we feel guilty when we violate these rules. A person may often believe they are trying to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if they have to be punished before they can do anything.
For example, “I really should exercise. I shouldn’t be so lazy.” Musts and oughts are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When a person directs should statements toward others, they often feel anger, frustration and resentment.
11. Emotional Reasoning.
We believe that what we feel must be true automatically. If we feel stupid and boring, then we must be stupid and boring. You assume that your unhealthy emotions reflect the way things really are — “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”
12. Fallacy of Change.
We expect that other people will change to suit us if we just pressure or cajole them enough. We need to change people because our hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them.
13. Global Labeling.
We generalize one or two qualities into a negative global judgment. These are extreme forms of generalizing, and are also referred to as “labeling” and “mislabeling.” Instead of describing an error in context of a specific situation, a person will attach an unhealthy label to themselves.
For example, they may say, “I’m a loser” in a situation where they failed at a specific task. When someone else’s behavior rubs a person the wrong way, they may attach an unhealthy label to him, such as “He’s a real jerk.” Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded. For example, instead of saying someone drops her children off at daycare every day, a person who is mislabeling might say that “she abandons her children to strangers.”
14. Always Being Right.
We are continually on trial to prove that our opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and we will go to any length to demonstrate our rightness. For example, “I don’t care how badly arguing with me makes you feel, I’m going to win this argument no matter what because I’m right.” Being right often is more important than the feelings of others around a person who engages in this cognitive distortion, even loved ones.
15. Heaven’s Reward Fallacy.
We expect our sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if someone is keeping score. We feel bitter when the reward doesn’t come.
If you ever thought like this, you’re not alone. I am very guilty of thinking like this. Every day I’m thinking of ways to improve my thinking because I am stronger than my negative thoughts. We all are stronger than the negativity.
References: 15 Common Cognitive Distortions | Psych Central.
Early night….late morning
Finally, I went to sleep last night. I took my medication then I was out like a light. This morning I woke up late so that meant I was running late for everything. Now while I sit here at work my body is craving more sleep. Ah, the joys of bipolar disorder, no one has ever said. Right now, I’m very irritated. My coworker has only been here for five minutes and I’m ready to zap on her. To all that are reading this stay encouraged. I know we’re all fighting a battle.
If you need to get something off your chest do it in the comment section below. I’ll be right there with you. We all need someone to talk too.
Words to remember when you’re down….
Get thee behind me, Satan!
What a start to my day…officially, after getting the girls ready for school, we started our daily routine of walking to school. My oldest daughter (she is 8) almost slipped on a patch black ice. I caught her then I explained how she had to be careful of black ice. Just because it looks like water doesn’t mean that it is water. Well, we get to the school unharmed. I was waving good-bye to my oldest while walking my youngest daughter (she is 6 ½) down the steps and I almost fall down the steps. Luckily, I grabbed onto the rail, but the way I came down on my left foot was crazy. I came down on my tippy toes and my foot tried to go forward. It hurt badly. The school personnel came to my aid. I couldn’t cry nor could I speak a word. For a few seconds, I sat on the steps then I hobbled to my daughter classroom to see her off. I hobbled out the school then back to my house to finish getting myself ready for work. When I came back outside to walk to the train station, I slipped on the same patch of black ice that almost got my oldest daughter. No, I didn’t fall, thank goodness. Normally, I would feel a little defeated, but I just brushed it off. I must be finding my way back to the middle of the spectrum. Finally, I feel stable. Today I will be looking for doctors to help me. So on goes my journey.
Up all night
So, it is 4:13 am in the morning as I sit here and type this. I have not gone to sleep at all, not a wink. My mind is racing with thoughts. That’s my fault because I forgot to take my damn mood stabilizers. They also help me sleep. Just imagine having a thousand TVs on all at once. You can’t focus on just one. You’ll focus on maybe two or three but not all them. That’s how it feels inside of my head. Now, the fun part is that I have to be up by six to get the girls and me ready. Today will be filled with lots of coffee and going out for fresh air. I don’t know I feel kind of wired. Tonight I will not forget to take it, because I can’t be up all night long like this again.
I guess the main things that are on my mind are ways to improve myself at work and at home. I have been doing the same things for way to long and expecting different results. Insanity. I’ve been reading on a few sights and I’m planning on reading a few self help books, I’m also looking for other ways other than excising to help combat this bipolar depression. I’m still looking for help, but at least all I can say is at least I am not depressed.
Here are the consequences of me being on the mania side of my bipolar depression: I have debt up to my eyeballs. I am a free spender. Most things that I buy are not for me. They are for other people. Every now and again, I will buy things for me, but for the most part I buy things for my friends and for my kids. After I blow a few thousand, I remember the important things. Yes my bills do get paid….just never on time. I really need to find a way to stop this. Right now I’m waiting on my tax money so that I can get myself paid up for the next few months so that I can learn how to curb my spending.
Soon I will be on back on the right track. I will be blogging all the things that go on with me so that I can learn what my triggers are. When I figure out all of my triggers, I then will have a better understanding of myself and how to deal with things when I feel a flare up coming on.
I still can’t believe I have not been to sleep yet.
When it’s more than being moody.
So, I’m sitting at my kitchen table with a million thoughts running through my head. It’s difficult choosing one single thing to focus on. Just where do I start? I really don’t know. Ok, let’s start with this: I am bipolar with a mix of depression. That has a lot to do with most of my issues in life. I can’t always see things so clearly. How I view things and feel things are out of this world. Every one of my emotions run on high. When I’m happy, I’m on top of the world and that doesn’t last long. I’m go into chill mode then I fall into a rut then finally depression sets in. When I’m depressed, boy, I’m depressed. I sleep more and care less. I’ll try to put on a tough face when all I want to do is cry. That’s what happened this time. Slowly, I’m seeing my pattern. I really want to stop this cycle that I’m on. This time I’m trying to learn my triggers. What triggers the highs and the lows? Well this time I think I know.
Alright, let’s get this out in the open: I sometimes really don’t like myself. Why? Because I see traits in other people that I want. Naturally, I am very shy, but I act like I’m not. I’m a loner. That girl at the bar watching other people have fun. Sometimes that is me. There are other times, normally either when I’m drunk or high, when my extroverted self comes out. I’m on top of the world, but for the most part I am a loner. I have friends, not many, but enough. I like to hang out, but there are times when I really like to be alone. Now, I have a soft heart. That comes from my dad. I’m also sweet natured very much so that I have a very hard time saying no. That has caused a lot of heartache on my end. My biggest problem is that I’m searching for love. Love from a man. Yes, I have daddy issues. I see that now. I’m being honest with myself. The love I’m searching for is that of a strong man, that will treat me a princess, shield me from the hurt of the world, and love me unconditionally. What I really need to do is treat myself like that. That way I can find that. There are many days that I wish that I was stronger or had that badass bitch type of personality. I want to be take charge of my life. I often feel like there are so many hands in my pot that I don’t know what I’m even cooking anymore. I just want people to step back and just let me live. Yes, even at the age of 30, I feel like I have no say so over my life. I see so many strong beautiful black women, that I wonder if I measure up. I was told there is no room in this world for people like me. I have to be a bitch or be cold. That’s not me, at all. Me, I’m sweetheart that will do for anyone of my friends or family. I will give my last. I donate blood, because I’m saving a life. I know there is someone out there in need of my B- blood type. I believe that I’m opened minded. I believe in love. I think it’s the most wonderful thing in the world. I wish that people would fight less and love more. I believe that tomorrow is going to be better or could be better by what is done today. I believe in paying it forward. I believe in kind worlds. That’s who I am. I have a child like innocents sometimes. I trust so easily only to be let down. That’s where my anger sets in. I have a list of people that are on my “shit list”. If they were on fire I wouldn’t piss on them and if I was dying I wouldn’t want their help. I need to work on that, but it’s hard. That’s the other thing that I lack: I don’t tell when people make me angry. Well, that’s not all true. I’ve tried in the past to do that and it didn’t go like I hoped. Some part of me wishes that I would have smashed them in a face with a pillow case full of rocks and broken glass. I see how people let things go so easily but it’s so hard for me. I guess my core root issue it that I’m actually jealous then it turns into depression. I believe it’s my depression that talks to me most of the time.
My depression will start off with me in a rut then going into full blown depression. I’ll be sad, but still happy enough to join in with people. After that, I fall into a rut. A lot of things that I like to do, I will stop. I will find myself just lying in bed. Now, I will go out into the world with my best face on, but I will be dying on the inside. Soon after that, I will find myself crying over all the things I don’t have. I feel like a huge disappointment, a letdown. Most days, I won’t do any work at work. I’ll spend less time with the girls. Oh yes, I’m raising children. I just won’t do anything. When I’m like this, I will feel so bad for having this illness and I’m letting my girls down. The one thing that will cheer me up when they tell me they love me and give me a big hug. I love it when they sit next to me and put their head on my lap. Moments like these, I keep in a special place in my heart. For my girls, I try to pull myself out the depression. My friends want to me to open up, but I feel like they will not understand what I’m feeling. I have the heart from the past weighing on me and the pains of the present on me. It will feel like I’m drowning in a sea of emotions. I have one person that knows all of my thoughts, hopes, fears, wants and needs. Once, talking to my normal circle of friends doesn’t work, I go to this one person: my best friend. For whatever reason, I feel so safe talking to them. They understand how I feel and will remind me that it isn’t all bad. It’s something that one else in this world will understand. They have kept me from completely going off the deep end no matter how close I get.
As for getting help, well, it is a little hard to come by. I’m actively searching for a psychiatrist. A few times I have quit because all the doors I’ve knocked on have lead me to a dead end. This is a new day and I have faith that I will find one and get the help that I need. I want to be better that I have been doing. On some level I feel like my illness is hindering me from reaching my dreams in life. With the right help I know that I will be that great writer. Yup, that’s my dream. I’m on medication and most of the time I would say 70/30 I am just fine. I have very bad flare ups and I don’t know how to handle them. My next mission is to handle my flare ups because they get in the way of life too much. I no longer what to be chained to all my negative emotions, I want to be free. I’m down for whatever it takes. I will not let my life be ruled my depression.
Maybe, my story will help someone that is going through the same thing I’m going through. If you think that you’re suffering from any form of mood disorders, please don’t wait for years like I to seek help. Seek help now! Don’t sit there and let you’re emotions get the best of you or stop you from living a full life. Below I will leave a link showing you the signs of bipolar depression.
http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=education_signs_symptoms
My messy Lyfe 